What Really Happens in Couples Therapy?

 Relationships are hard.  You’re with the person you chose - the one who chose you.  The beginning was fun - exciting -maybe even magical! It was all so perfect so you decided to do life together.  Maybe you got married.  Maybe you are living together. Either way, you’re living your life together . Somehow, bills are paid. A home is cleaned and meals are cooked.  Days run into weeks which run into years. Whether suddenly or gradually, the realization that the connection has changed becomes apparent. The warmth has cooled.  The laughter is muted. You want more time alone. Yet you still feel a lot of love. Is that enough? You’re no longer positive that you want to feel this way forever.  What do you do? Can you go back to the beginning? Should you go back to the beginning? How do you become happy again? How do you make it to forever?

Answers to those questions are available everywhere.  Religion has answers.  Friends have answers.  Sure as heck, social media has answers. Fortunately, couples therapy theorists offer some objective perspectives that help us to find some answers.  Below are highlights of 3 relationship views that regularly inform my practice as a couples therapist.

The Gottmans Sound Relationship House theory - John and Julie Gottman have overcome the inherent challenges in studying couples by observing and evaluating real life couples. They have quantified and summarized many common dynamics that make and break relationships. Their main framework for understanding relationships is called the “Sound Relationship House Theory”.  It compares relationships to a house structure in which the “walls” of any relationship are trust and commitment. They are necessary to ‘hold up’ the structure. Be we all know that most people in relationships  have questions in those areas occasionally. That doesn’t collapse the whole “house”. The Gottman’s have identified that it usually takes 6 years of relationship struggles to bring couples to therapy.  By the time they arrive in my office, there are many concerns about multiple areas of the relationship “house” yet still it stands. Usually long - term commitment and trust bear most of the the weight.  The “floors” of the relationship house are about understanding each others’ lives, friendship, conflict management, and shared hopes and dreams to name a few.  When I meet a new couple, I often suggest that they focus on the “floor of the house” that they currently enjoy the most and is the most reliable source of positive energy in the relationship, Do you enjoy spending time together traveling? Going to a show? Having a meal out? Hiking ? Lean into those activities and find the pleasure where it exists. Connect on that ‘floor’ and use that as a starting point for movement to the other floors that could use some renovation.

The Developmental Model by Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson view relationships through a development lens.  Much like any other form of human development, relationships evolve and grow over time.  When connection falls short or partners start to feel like roommates, it’s often because the development of the relationship stalled or regressed. This is so common for so many reasons. The high-stimuli world that we live in encourages and feeds individual development (for better or worse) faster than we can process it. Individuals grow and adapt to a depth that is often beyond our conscious perception.  Expectations of our partner change too - often without them being aware.  So when we compare reality to expectation, conflict ensues.  It’s difficult to live with a partner who isn’t just like us or how we think they should be.  But what to do about it? The Devlopmental Model offers reassurance that the attachment and connection to your partner can be restored and renewed via communication, empathy and curiosity about one another, and the honoring of difference. Each partner can tap into their curiosity about the other and engage in conversation that explores the very unique nature of each partner. That curiosity and empathy offers a tunnel into emotional intimacy that feels very different than the earlier symbiosis or “honeymoon period” and is really meaningful product of long-term relationships.

Finally, let’s talk about sex! What if you and your partner are best of ‘friends’, managing your home and children well but intimacy has fizzled to a boring routine or nothing at all? Is the relationship doomed? Physical intimacy is often crucial to the connection and the happiness of the partners. But I cannot emphasize this one rule of intimacy enough:  There are no rules.  There is no normal.   Ok, like any other rule, this one does have an exception which involves consent.  As long as both partners are willing participants, the only thing that matters is that each person is happy with the intimacy that does or does not exist.  In 2025, our society continues to foster messages and images of what sex and sexy people are supppsed to look like. Portrayals of intimacy are “hot and heavy”.  Romance is warm and loving.  Those messages and images do not reflect the lives of most humans.  Nor do they support the sexual well-being of average people just trying to maintain some intimacy in jam - packed days and evolving lives.  The good thing is that sex and intimacy are much more commonly discussed in writing and in couples therapy than it was 20 years ago. Sex therapy can offer perspectives and knowledge about actual sexuality that most of us never think about. Common challenges such as varying levels of desire, erectile dysfunction, and lacking communication are often successfully addressed couples therapy that focuses on intimacy.

Volumes could be written about my experience as a couples therapist.  Yet the biggest surprise from my couch is that there is seemingly an endless number of couples who will reach out for support.  This is a wonderful thing!! However, the challenges they they will discuss in their own way are not endless.  They often think their issues are going to be the ones that are going to stump or shock me but that is increasingly rare.  Relationships tend to fall into the same broad pitfalls which is exactly what allows relationship theorists and practitioners to perfect our practice.  Our toolbox is full of many more than the ones described above but those are the hammer and nails.  We can use them in so many situations with a high level of success.